This is my new home.

I want to personally thank my dear friend Devine Passion
for all the beautiful graphics she has created just for me.

I am on a self improvement healing journey.
I want to see how far I can go...

I believe that you can change whatever you want to within 
yourself. It is just a matter of wanting it enough. I am a 
creature of habit. Almost to the point of obsession. That's 
what got me into trouble in the first place. I was a smoker..

I knew I was in big trouble a few weeks before I went to
the doctors. I had plans for spending a week at the cottage 
with my Mom. This was something I have been doing for
at least 17 years since my Dad passed away. Anyways, 
I did manage to go to the ocean. I felt terrible though. Early
that summer I had caught a cold. It was the cold from hell. 

It turned quickly from bronchitis to asthma. I had such a 
bad cough all summer long. When the cough finally stopped, 
my chest hurt and I started feeling confused and dizzy.
It was hard to concentrate. My neck and face started 
to feel numb. I was also white as a ghost.

I remember one hot summer night at the ocean. I walked 
down to the beach around 10 pm. The moon was out shining
the way for me. It took great effort to walk down there. I
had brought a little blanket and sat down. I felt so bad, but 
managed to not let my Mom know how bad I really was.
I did not want to worry her nor ruin her vacation.

As I sat looking out at the beautiful sea. I thought if a 
wave came and washed over me and carried me off.. it 
would be ok because I knew I was dying inside. I felt it.
I loved the ocean, what better place to  die. My warm tears
were flowing now... I held out the palms of my hands and 
gathered my salty tears and walked down to the water's
edge and washed my tears away with the salty sea...

I was not ready to die, so I pushed those thoughts 
from my mind. As soon as I went back home I would
go to the doctors and find out what was wrong with me.

For over 30 years I smoked. I did try the last 15 years
to cut down and changed my brand to Carlton which  I
thought was the lowest in tar and nicotine. It did not do
me any good, because on Sept. 11th 2000, I was diagnosed
with emphysema. My lung function test showed my lungs as
that of a woman 114 years old. I was only 47. 

to be continued... 
 

12-7-2002


 
 
 


 
 


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